Saturday, December 31, 2011

on New Years Eve

The fact that my birthday is in December means I can do this cool thing where, for me, each year corresponds to how old I was/am. For example I think of my first year outside of highschool not so much as 2009, but more as ‘the year that I was 17’. 17 was a pretty uneventful year, now that I look back at it, but 18 was seriously fucking intense. I went on my first big trip alone (Africa – which was all kinds of extreme) and it was first year of law school and I was finally legal adult age and I also had to prepare for this year in China. No wonder I had those dumb meltdowns. Dude, I seriously don’t think I could do 18 again. Does anybody really actually want to do 18 again? That is the question.

I digress. I actually wanted to talk about this current phenomenon where I’m officially 20 years old, but still in the year of 19. I usually kind of like this ‘limbo time’. Normally it provides me with a couple of golden weeks (conveniently in the holidays) of both retrospective thought about the year-passed and constructive new-year planning. I usually make lists and think about deep shit like; “who I’ve grown into” and “who I want to be” and “was I always this fat”. The best part is, of course, making new resolutions in the summer sunlight.

The trouble with right now though, is that clearly my “new year” and the real year of 20 won’t actually start until I get back to Brisbane – and that doesn’t happen until the beginning of February. So not only am I 20 years old now, but still in the year of 19, but once it does flip over to 2012, I still won’t really be in the mental space of year 20 until February. Does that make any sense at all?!?

I’m going to presume it does and move on. If you don’t get it then maybe just try reading it again slower. (Condescending? #sorry) Alternatively, I’m flattered for your interest so far and will not be too offended if you just quit while you’re ahead. But I CAN SEE YOU. Jokes I’m totally kidding I can’t see you.

Or can I?


The good thing about all of this, is that I have those two golden weeks in Phuket coming up which I think will be the perfect time to revel in that previously-described ‘limbo’. The bad thing, is that I’ve already kind of put myself into that ‘limbo’ space and so I’ve just given myself too much time for this and my self-reflectiveness and new-years-resolution planning levels are reaching all-time highs. There is only so many hours one young woman should put aside to think about herself. A certain (read: healthy) amount is entirely necessary, but I think I’m breaching the limits here, man. The “looking back” has turned my life-so-far into a movie and the “looking forward” is a world where I’m themostproductivepersonintheworld and don’t have to sleep… that’s not okay, right?

Another thing to factor in is that I feel like 20 deserves new-decade resolutions too, not just 365-days ones. And how the hell am I supposed to think of what I want to get done in between now and 30? THIRTY!? BUT IT FEELS SO CLOSE!?!? I’M PANICKING! IM ALMOST 30! BUT I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM OR WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP?! AND IM ALREADY DYING!???!!??!

Okay calm down that’s a little bit silly. But it doesn’t seem so silly when you take a few hours of your allocated limbo time to look around the internet and see what all kinds of amazing YOUNG people are doing around the world to make you look like a vegetative loser. YEAH, I SAID ‘VEGETATIVE’. It should be inspiring but it’s too easy to just let it make you feel sad. All those motherfucking hipsters with their ‘best of 2011’ lists that make me feel like I shouldn’t even bother listening to music anymore. All those award-winners  who’ve written (literally) A THOUSAND books, and all those hot and fit babes, and all those kids who can actually put their doonas into the doona cover without looking like a total freak then falling over and hitting my head. I mean, ‘your’ head. Statement was about people in general.

Moving on.

Times like this I’m usually comforted most by Liz Lemon and copious Christmas leftovers. Having already finished the last of 30 Rock season 5, and having no actual Christmas leftovers, I have to look elsewhere. For example, I just bought this awesome STYX original concert t-shirt!!! #BECAUSEI’MABADASS


And I signed up (and paid – AGH I’M BLEEDING) for membership to GoMA in Brisbane! Oooohhh look at me! I’m cultured! And I’m going to wear high heels to ALL of their events – just so you know. Because I’m an “adult” like that. (Lol what does that even mean?)
But I decided to try and not make any other impulses purchases until I had actually got to the source of these feelings of mild-to-medium inadequacy. I guess it’s just a little bit of classic self-doubting-around-the-new-year panic. Right? AmIright? Sooo… The only thing left to do is make plans and lists and goals. Right? I mean, what the hell else can you do when you’re stuck in this limbo but feel really unproductive? I can’t even go for a run because it’s so damn cold outside. (And if it wasn’t cold I TOTALLY WOULD go running.) So yeah, let’s make lists and goals and stuff. I’m going to go with that. But I’m DEFINITELY TOTALLY NOT going to write and 20 to 30 decade resolutions. That shit is just scary and is going to have to happen later. Maybe Phuket is later. Maybe not. DON’T RUSH ME! Buy a new Rush t-shirt mabye? NO! FOCUS!


New Years resolution list for the year of 20, officially beginning in February. Draft 1.1:

  • Be the coolest person in the world.
  • Be the most awesome person in the world.
  • Be really attractive all the time.
  • Get really good marks / be the smartest person in the world.
  • Always know what the time is even without a watch or other time-telling device and therefore be awesome.
  • Be the best friend in the world to my amazing friends.
  • Be really relaxed all the time / be really funny all the time.
  • Do other things instead of sleeping so that you get a lot of things done and therefore are awesome. Things may include but are not limited to: writing and reading, listening and watching, painting and drawing, running and sweating.
  • Do more housework / make sure my mum loves me.
  • Walk my dog a lot and therefore be awesome.
  • Learn to ride a motorbike.
  • Play my goddamn clarinet.
  • Do that volunteering thing again / don’t be a selfish ass.
  • Do gigantic puzzles.
  • Get Ryan Gosling to be my boyfriend. (This is a joke one. LOL.)
  • Learn how to drink whiskey.
  • Cook and bake all the time / eat awesome food and therefore be awesome. (Because we are what we eat, right?)
  • Find a good job / don’t be poor.
  • Get enough sleep.

Alright. I think that is sufficient planning for now. I don’t want too many specifics because, you know, gotta keep the outlines loose for upward movement. Or something like that. I know a lot of people pick a few specific things for their new year resolutions but it just doesn’t fit for me. I don’t like the idea that in, say, 6 months time I will be a new and improved version of me and I’m still in the headspace of the old January (or in this case, February) Bri trying to fulfill the goals of the past ghost. Past ghost might be wrong! (I know the past ghost of me wearing that halterneck top in the ’04 was totally wrong.) I do realise how stupid that reads (the concept, not the halterneck. But obviously also the halterneck). I’m simply indifferent to your judgment on this point. 

We must always allow ourselves ample room for development. If I was to make a hard-and-fast goal then actually fulfill it, well then I might feel like a success – mightn’t I! And we don’t want that, do we. No! We must always be reaching higher and higher.

Therefore, I intend on being the most awesome person in the world – because I am entirely sure it will never ever happen. (For proof, see right.) 


The end.

Oh – and one other thing. I wish you all a very happy new year. Genuinely. I can’t wait to see what everybody does in this wonderful coming 2012. To all my youngen friends - may you create a perfect internet version of yourself approximately this time tomorrow that had ‘THECOOLESTNEWYEARSEVENIGHTEVER’ and may that bring you fulfillment. 

Personally, after excusing myself at approximately 10pm from the campus festivities, I intend to retire to my room, braid my hair,  make the perfect cup of tea and read some of Orwell’s essays. Not quite shazam, no, but once again I am indifferent to your judgment on this point. Heck - it might be the first year I actually make it awake until midnight!

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