North Korea

Tomorrow I leave for North Korea, or as it is formally known - "The Democratic People's Republic of Korea". That name is in inverted commas because it's just plain ridiculous.


I'm going to be honest here and say that I know just about nothing about NK. I have a basic understanding of how shit it is, and a working knowledge of how shit China is for being best buddies with such a super-shit country like NK, but other than that, I don't even know which one of those crazy kids is technically ruling the country. Apparently it's the dead one, and that NK is the only remaining necrocracy in the world. At least that's what Christopher Hitchens tells people. Having been to NK, he likens it to a kind of living hell from which the only escape is death. I recommend watching this as a good introduction to the topic. Needless to say, I would much rather spend my thousands on a nice trip to Thailand. 


I must be crazy. Who in their right mind decides to go look at statues of dickheads in the shittiest country in the whole world, instead of riding elephants and drinking cocktails from coconuts. Who. TELL ME WHO. Why do I do these things? 


WHY!?!?!???????????????


So anyway, I cannot take a mobile in with me (it would be confiscated at the border) and laptops are allowed but there is no internet, so starting from tomorrow afternoon, I am essentially Schrodinger's cat. Look it up. Here. Needless to say, my mum is pretty worried. I suppose I am also worried, but I'm trying not to think about it. I also can't take a camera lens bigger than 220mm, and can only take pictures at certain places. I have to wear formal attire for a few of the mausoleums, and under no circumstances may I speak to any non-pre-approved locals. I will not be let out of anyone's sight. Ever. I eat what they want me to eat and go where they tell me to go and probably even pee when they command me to pee. There are no choices about anything. Ever. I must give chocolates and large tips to my guides, and the most widely accepted currency is Euro. I seriously have no idea what the fuck is up with this place, dude. What the hell kind of Asian country uses Euro?


Now that I do think about it, actually, I am quite worried. Anything could happen, and I would be lost forever. No. Seriously. There would be no chance at all to get me back/out. It's not like that shitty 'Taken' movie where the chick gets taken then gets rescued back. It's not like anyone could come look for me. At all. Whatsoever. Nobody would be allowed in to come get me. I can't even text or email anyone. What if they decide to just keep me? They could do that, you know. They could decide to just not let me back out, and I would rot there. Like how a corpse rots in a basement. Rotting. In North Korea. I'm going to die. Tomorrow afternoon is the beginning of my decomposition process.


If it isn't, though, I will see you all in about a week with some interesting stories. Lol.


But not so lol.