on New Years Eve

The fact that my birthday is in December means I can do this cool thing where, for me, each year corresponds to how old I was/am. For example I think of my first year outside of highschool not so much as 2009, but more as ‘the year that I was 17’. 17 was a pretty uneventful year, now that I look back at it, but 18 was seriously fucking intense. I went on my first big trip alone (Africa – which was all kinds of extreme) and it was first year of law school and I was finally legal adult age and I also had to prepare for this year in China. No wonder I had those dumb meltdowns. Dude, I seriously don’t think I could do 18 again. Does anybody really actually want to do 18 again? That is the question.

I digress. I actually wanted to talk about this current phenomenon where I’m officially 20 years old, but still in the year of 19. I usually kind of like this ‘limbo time’. Normally it provides me with a couple of golden weeks (conveniently in the holidays) of both retrospective thought about the year-passed and constructive new-year planning. I usually make lists and think about deep shit like; “who I’ve grown into” and “who I want to be” and “was I always this fat”. The best part is, of course, making new resolutions in the summer sunlight.

The trouble with right now though, is that clearly my “new year” and the real year of 20 won’t actually start until I get back to Brisbane – and that doesn’t happen until the beginning of February. So not only am I 20 years old now, but still in the year of 19, but once it does flip over to 2012, I still won’t really be in the mental space of year 20 until February. Does that make any sense at all?!?

I’m going to presume it does and move on. If you don’t get it then maybe just try reading it again slower. (Condescending? #sorry) Alternatively, I’m flattered for your interest so far and will not be too offended if you just quit while you’re ahead. But I CAN SEE YOU. Jokes I’m totally kidding I can’t see you.

Or can I?

ANYWAYS.

The good thing about all of this, is that I have those two golden weeks in Phuket coming up which I think will be the perfect time to revel in that previously-described ‘limbo’. The bad thing, is that I’ve already kind of put myself into that ‘limbo’ space and so I’ve just given myself too much time for this and my self-reflectiveness and new-years-resolution planning levels are reaching all-time highs. There is only so many hours one young woman should put aside to think about herself. A certain (read: healthy) amount is entirely necessary, but I think I’m breaching the limits here, man. The “looking back” has turned my life-so-far into a movie and the “looking forward” is a world where I’m themostproductivepersonintheworld and don’t have to sleep… that’s not okay, right?

Another thing to factor in is that I feel like 20 deserves new-decade resolutions too, not just 365-days ones. And how the hell am I supposed to think of what I want to get done in between now and 30? THIRTY!? BUT IT FEELS SO CLOSE!?!? I’M PANICKING! IM ALMOST 30! BUT I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM OR WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP?! AND IM ALREADY DYING!???!!??!

Okay calm down that’s a little bit silly. But it doesn’t seem so silly when you take a few hours of your allocated limbo time to look around the internet and see what all kinds of amazing YOUNG people are doing around the world to make you look like a vegetative loser. YEAH, I SAID ‘VEGETATIVE’. It should be inspiring but it’s too easy to just let it make you feel sad. All those motherfucking hipsters with their ‘best of 2011’ lists that make me feel like I shouldn’t even bother listening to music anymore. All those award-winners  who’ve written (literally) A THOUSAND books, and all those hot and fit babes, and all those kids who can actually put their doonas into the doona cover without looking like a total freak then falling over and hitting my head. I mean, ‘your’ head. Statement was about people in general.

Moving on.

Times like this I’m usually comforted most by Liz Lemon and copious Christmas leftovers. Having already finished the last of 30 Rock season 5, and having no actual Christmas leftovers, I have to look elsewhere. For example, I just bought this awesome STYX original concert t-shirt!!! #BECAUSEI’MABADASS

  

  

   

And I signed up (and paid – AGH I’M BLEEDING) for membership to GoMA in Brisbane! Oooohhh look at me! I’m cultured! And I’m going to wear high heels to ALL of their events – just so you know. Because I’m an “adult” like that. (Lol what does that even mean?)

  

  

 

 

But I decided to try and not make any other impulses purchases until I had actually got to the source of these feelings of mild-to-medium inadequacy. I guess it’s just a little bit of classic self-doubting-around-the-new-year panic. Right? AmIright? Sooo… The only thing left to do is make plans and lists and goals. Right? I mean, what the hell else can you do when you’re stuck in this limbo but feel really unproductive? I can’t even go for a run because it’s so damn cold outside. (And if it wasn’t cold I TOTALLY WOULD go running.) So yeah, let’s make lists and goals and stuff. I’m going to go with that. But I’m DEFINITELY TOTALLY NOT going to write and 20 to 30 decade resolutions. That shit is just scary and is going to have to happen later. Maybe Phuket is later. Maybe not. DON’T RUSH ME! Buy a new Rush t-shirt mabye? NO! FOCUS!

Okay.

New Years resolution list for the year of 20, officially beginning in February. Draft 1.1:

• Be the coolest person in the world.
  
• Be the most awesome person in the world.
  
• Be really attractive all the time.
  
• Get really good marks / be the smartest person in the world.
  
• Always know what the time is even without a watch or other time-telling device and therefore be awesome.
  
• Be the best friend in the world to my amazing friends.
  
• Be really relaxed all the time / be really funny all the time.
  
• Do other things instead of sleeping so that you get a lot of things done and therefore are awesome. Things may include but are not limited to: writing and reading, listening and watching, painting and drawing, running and sweating.
  
• Do more housework / make sure my mum loves me.
  
• Walk my dog a lot and therefore be awesome.
  
• Learn to ride a motorbike.
  
• Play my goddamn clarinet.
  
• Do that volunteering thing again / don’t be a selfish ass.
  
• Do gigantic puzzles.
  
• Get Ryan Gosling to be my boyfriend. (This is a joke one. LOL.)
  
• Learn how to drink whiskey.
  
• Cook and bake all the time / eat awesome food and therefore be awesome. (Because we are what we eat, right?)
  
• Find a good job / don’t be poor.
  
• Get enough sleep.

Alright. I think that is sufficient planning for now. I don’t want too many specifics because, you know, gotta keep the outlines loose for upward movement. Or something like that. I know a lot of people pick a few specific things for their new year resolutions but it just doesn’t fit for me. I don’t like the idea that in, say, 6 months time I will be a new and improved version of me and I’m still in the headspace of the old January (or in this case, February) Bri trying to fulfill the goals of the past ghost. Past ghost might be wrong! (I know the past ghost of me wearing that halterneck top in the ’04 was totally wrong.) I do realise how stupid that reads (the concept, not the halterneck. But obviously also the halterneck). I’m simply indifferent to your judgment on this point. 

We must always allow ourselves ample room for development. If I was to make a hard-and-fast goal then actually fulfill it, well then I might feel like a success – mightn’t I! And we don’t want that, do we. No! We must always be reaching higher and higher.

Therefore, I intend on being the most awesome person in the world – because I am entirely sure it will never ever happen. (For proof, see right.) 

NOT THAT YOU NEEDED IT!!!

The end.

Oh – and one other thing. I wish you all a very happy new year. Genuinely. I can’t wait to see what everybody does in this wonderful coming 2012. To all my youngen friends - may you create a perfect internet version of yourself approximately this time tomorrow that had ‘THECOOLESTNEWYEARSEVENIGHTEVER’ and may that bring you fulfillment. 

Personally, after excusing myself at approximately 10pm from the campus festivities, I intend to retire to my room, braid my hair,  make the perfect cup of tea and read some of Orwell’s essays. Not quite shazam, no, but once again I am indifferent to your judgment on this point. Heck - it might be the first year I actually make it awake until midnight!

   

"You can't connect the dots looking fowards."

It’s been a while since I have written, and I had a great Christmas – thanks for asking! I’m in preparation for final exams now and I’m booking all kinds of accommodation and transfers for the Phuket trip, but primarily - my mind has essentially been whipped up into a frenzied reflection-mode because a fortnight ago I realised I only had a month left in China. 

And so, more recently (read: two weeks after that first realisation. Also, sorry for this fumbling maths.) I realised that I have just over a fortnight left in China. After all this time, just two weeks left. As well as this gigantic looming thought-cloud over my head, I’m also acutely aware that I am now 20 and that for some other reasons (which are presently difficult to precisely identify) I am at a critical juncture in my life.

In terms of the leaving-China thing, I have been (and am) experiencing textbook pre-withdrawal symptoms. Like I said, it started about two weeks ago when I realised I had a month to go. I mean, the first thing you always find yourself doing at a time like this is thinking of all the things you didn’t get around to doing and feeling like you didn’t make the most of your time. 

In some ways, I know that this is totally irrational (reference to the map) and yet no matter how much one human does, that same human could always have done more. Especially according to the critically self-reflective opinion of that human. The second symptom I am currently experiencing is that panicked feeling you get when you think about certain things you have to leave behind. I feel like my soul is hyperventilating. I sit here thinking about those particular carrot dumplings on the street corner near the markets, and I just can’t conceptualise a snowy afternoon stroll without them burning the sides of my mouth.

God help me! What kind of inhumane world do we live in (read: the world I will be returning to shortly – because China and Australia are two different worlds. Duh) where an innocent girl can’t walk to her street corner and buy a fresh dumpling for under a dollar?

But in all seriousness, it’s strange for me to know that I was (and am) actually kind of sick of dumplings… and the only reason I’m inhaling them like-there’s-no-tomorrow at the moment, is because soon they won’t be there. Lol. That there actually will be no tomorrow soon. Really.

Moving on though, to something profound that happened to me today. It happened while I was eating at my FAVOURITE street food stall, the one that’s run by the old couple who know me and my order personally. (Really, Bri, another food metaphor? YES.) I mentioned them in that testimonial I wrote for my university. Anyways, the lady gives me extra big servings these days, since from about two weeks ago I started to go there almost every single day for lunch, and it’s my favourite place in all of China. I’m serious. That particular alley where I sit on the little stools and watch the bustle around me is the single best place in this whole country. I started frequenting this location because I simply wanted to make the most of it before I left it forever and the tomato and egg stir-fry over steamed rice rocks my world. Well, the profound thing that happened, was that as I was happily devouring that latest bowl, I all of a sudden I crunched down on some egg shell.

I KNOW. 

EGG SHELL. IN MY FOOD. IN MY MOUTH.

IT WAS SO BAD. LIKE, THE WORST THING EVER. IT SENT A DISGUSTING SHIVER DOWN MY SPINE AND I FUMBLED MY FINGERS AROUND IN MY MOUTH PANICKING TRYING TO GET IT OUT. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN. 

I looked towards the unaffected couple in hurt and disbelief. It was clearly an accident – that kind of accident that probably happens much more frequently than any of us care to consider, but that’s not important here. What’s important, is that in that moment of calm, when the offending piece of shell had been fished out from my mouth and I was flushed with relief, I had a realisation. It was all over.

My time in China is over.

(In case it isn’t clear, the bowl of food is China, and I am me, and the ugly crunch of that piece of shell is the realisation.) 

And you need to stop being confused RIGHT NOW. You cannot tell me that you have never gleaned a piece of invaluable wisdom from a seemingly unrelated occurrence. Nobody can tell me that they haven’t made metaphors out of ridiculous things, then been guided by that wisdom despite the absurdity of the source of the realisation. The only reason the whole ‘grub-to-cocoon-to-butterfly’ metaphor is alright to use these days is because it’s just commonplace now. I’m sure if I told this story again, but the metaphor had something to do with an insect, you would be EVEN MORE unconvinced and confused. So yeah. Whatever.

I’m going to move on talking about this, under the premise that you accept the metaphor and subsequent realisation. If you don’t, well then go for a long walk at dawn tomorrow and think about the rising sun as a pretty metaphor for this new year for you and then sadly realise that originality is better even if it’s sometimes a little strange then get bitten by a dog before you get home. 

I digress.

It’s over, and I’m coming to peace with that. A good friend recently quoted to me that “you can’t connect the dots looking forwards”. I had been worrying about this year coming to a close and how I felt like everything was kind of heavy and scrambled with information and emotion, and yet empty of meaning. So I went back to that clip and re-watched Steve Jobs’ speech to Stanford and that quote really does stick to me right now. I realised I just have to have a little more faith that this whole year will make more sense once it’s in retrospect. And if there is anything I’ve gained this year it’s a little more self-faith. 

I’m SO comforted just knowing that in about 6 months I’ll be pondering things over a cold beer, and it will come together. It’s finished here and now and despite the feeling that my heart is in a hurricane right now, I have faith the one day soon I’ll be able to look back and connect the dots.

I think most of us get these panicky feelings at the end of every year. It is a defining characteristic of motivated people - that they are never truly happy with what they have done. Always striving for more and reaching and pushing and struggling. At our best moments, we have won against ourselves. And in our happiest, most contented moments, we are able to connect these dots.

my christmas present to me

HELLZ YEAH!!!!




It's for my new Macbook Air 13'' that is waiting for me at home. I know, I know, it's just too awesome. No seriously, stop drooling. I especially like the way the reproduction is kind of tacky, and how JEDI is a little bit cut off. You too? No way! These days I don't find myself really liking perfect things. This is where I bought it from, so if you really like it then DONT COPY ME. I'm totally kidding it's awesome everybody buy this.

my (quick) "best of" 2011

I suppose it's this time of year again. Your productivity comes into question and you look back wondering where all the time went. You worry if your list is too hipster or not hipster enough. How much of it is the same as your friends' and how much time you spent listening watching and reading. I decided to make it five of each this year - trying to get more of that 'quality over quantity' vibe into my life. 

The only rule of my "best of" lists is that I consumed the item in question for the first time this year. For example, this year was the first I had ever heard Robert Johnson's album 'King of the Delta Blues' despite it being first released in 1997 and recorded much, much earlier. Also, the list is not in order of awesomeness - to pick just five of each was damn hard enough so don't expect me to give them places.

 
(Links take you to any reviews I have written about the thing.)

Books:

• Letters to a Young Contrarian - Christopher Hitchens
• China - Lonely Plant
• Bossypants - Tina Fey
• Superfreakonomics - Levitt & Dubner
• What the Dog Saw - Malcolm Gladwell

Albums:

• King of the Delta Blues - Robert Johnson
• Rip Tide - Beirut
• Helplessness Blues - Fleet Foxes
• Torches - Foster the People
• Peace Love Death Metal - Eagles of Death Metal

Movies:

• Bright Star
• Pretty Woman
• A Single Man
• The Adventures of Tintin
• Top Gun

I found myself returning to a lot of old favourites instead of finding a whole lot of new things this year. For example, I got right back into Wuthering Heights and watched Sahara (my number one favourite movie of all time) eight more times throughout the year. I watched Ratatouille three more times too, lol. It's so great. I also did a lot more TV shows (30 Rock and Buffy and Supernatural and Game of Thrones) than movies. Not sure why that is. 

Safe to say it doesn't really resemble any of the lists from previous years (with the number of times that China Lonely Planet has literally saved my life, I couldn't leave it off the list), but I guess that's what this year has been like for me - totally unlike any other and totally kook. But awesome. Of course!

My last.fm profile and Goodreads profile and etc. can be found on the 'about me' page, I'd love for you to add me and we can dig each other's archives. You know what I mean. Wink.

my "testimonials" and advice on exchanges

My uni (University of Queensland) asks that its students write them "testimonials" about their time on exhange. Most of the time the students say the usual things which are true like "it's the best time of your life!" so I tried to say things a little different. My testimonial from semester one wasn't anything breathtaking because I realised that it's difficult not to fall into the usual trap for these things. It really will "change your life" and it really is "the experience of a lifetime". At least the photos were cool. I can't believe they even put up that one of me giving the camera a 'thumbs up' in front of that gross skinned thing on the road... kudos to UQ Abroad. Lol.

So the time rolled around to write the testimonial from this (my second) semester, and this is what I submitted:

"This is my second semester here in China and it’s been super different to the first primarily because Jinan and Shanghai are completely different cities.

I mean, life in the mean city streets of Shanghai is fast and hardcore, and the locals are tough and the teachers are tougher. The other exchange students will all drink you under the table while telling you not-so-tall tales of organ theft, and you’ll feel lucky when you wake up with only your wallet missing. Conversely, Jinan presents you with beautiful lakes and rich philosophical history and friendly local taxi drivers who actually take you where you want to go. The teachers and classes here are wonderful and the other students are far more easy-going than their ‘big-city’ counterparts. All in all, I almost feel like I’ve spent the two semesters in two different countries. The second one being much more… peaceful than the first.

Of course, this might also be because I learnt a lot of life lessons during that tumultuous first semester, all of which I brought with me here to Jinan. I suppose my Mandarin proficiency has also slightly improved and I have come to almost appreciate many little Chinese idiosyncrasies that used to totally freak me out – like loud yelling all the time and people being allowed to smoke everywhere and classes five days a week. My partiality and affection for Jinan and Shandong University is also heightened by my increasing awareness of just how fast the year has gone. Which leads me to a big piece of advice – if you think you’ve got what it takes (and your arts program allows it) then you should without-a-doubt apply to do two semesters in China.

The full year will do wonders for your Mandarin and it really allows you to actually settle into life here. From a travelling perspective too, the full year allowed me to visit a total of 9 provinces as well as a beginning month in Hong Kong, the semester holidays in Beijing and an insane trip over to North Korea. Now that it’s December and my time here is coming to an end, I really feel like I have achieved what I set out to and I’m ready to come home. Most of the kids I talk to who only have one semester end up trying to extend their exchange because they feel like it just isn’t enough. Although maybe that’s a different kind of good thing… I dunno – maybe Jinan is just gettin’ me all philosophical. Anyways, if you can do two semesters (either in two different cities or the same city twice) then DO IT!!!

If you do have to choose between either Fudan (Shanghai) or Shandong (Jinan) then my personal recommendation would be to go for Jinan. Shanghai as a city can be understood from a short visit, but Jinan is a great place to experience Chinese life on a local level for several months. It also places you within a very fast train ride from both Beijing and Shanghai and is a great vantage point from which to undertake national travel. My teachers here are all Care Bears and the old couple who do street food outside the university gates know me by my order. (Tomato and egg stir-fry over steamed rice, in case you were wondering.) Apart from being FREEZING right now, Jinan is a nice home-away-from-home and I really like it here."

This is where I stopped for the university testimonial, because I didn’t want it to be too long or anything, but I didn’t feel like I’d said everything I wanted to. Here are a couple of things I wish people had really told me. Chances are they did actually tell me, but I didn’t listen. I know, I kick myself for something every day, but anyways, here are a few other notes of recommendation I would make to any student going on exchange:

Things to decide before arriving:

·         Find your focus/niche.

Mine was blogging and I’m so glad I did it. Now I have a complete record of the entire year of exchange. I took photos everywhere and wrote everything down and it forced me to really think about everything I was seeing and doing. It also compelled me to try and make my experiences more awesome. Some people focus on who they meet during exchange and aim to make new lifetime friends. Other people have a target locked on travelling to certain places, and many make their exchange about the language. Think about what you want to focus on during your time away, then get pro at it.

·         Decide how hardcore you want to be about the language proficiency thing.

I got really uneasy a few months after I had arrived and my Mandarin wasn’t progressing like I thought it would. I was travelling a lot and meeting so many new people and doing interesting things every day, and it took me a long time to realise that I valued these experiences more so than I did my Mandarin ability. I wish I had of been aware of those priorities before I arrived because it would have saved me a lot of questioning and guilt over lack-of-study. I’m not saying that it isn’t important, I’m saying that you should decide how important it is to you personally, before you embark upon your exchange and get swept away in everything.

·         If you want to travel, plan your ideal destinations.

I had a few destinations within China that I desperately wanted to go to before I went home, and I think the only reason I managed to get to them was because I was sure of them before I even arrived in China. Xinjiang is the perfect example, and it taught me that the kids you meet are usually open to suggestions. If you know of a place you think would be great to visit, then chances are someone will want to go with you when you tell them about it. It’s good to know a bit about these places early on so that you don’t miss out on any travel opportunities.

·         Skype is your best friend. It’s also your mum’s best friend.

I can’t speak for long-distance romantic relationships (thank god I’ve been spared from that particular hell for all this time) but keeping in touch with family and friends is super easy and it’s wonderful. A good Skype chat makes you a million times less homesick and your parents love it too. You’re in a crazy country on the other side of the world, for christs’ sake!!! Call your mum!!!

Things to remember whilst on exchange:

·         Home is right where you left it, and apparently just as boring as you left it.

I kept worrying about missing out on things back home, but everyone kept telling me that ‘nothing interesting was happening’ and that ‘everything will be exactly the same’ when I got back. (Well, apart from that time that Brisbane flooded… but that’s unlikely to be repeated.) And let’s face it, nobody actually sees each other in person these days, so if you just keep your Facebook and Twitter accounts active then you’ll get all the goss. It will be like you never left. Don’t worry about it.

·         You’re not the only one who thought you’d getter better at this language faster.

EVERYBODY thinks they’ll be fluent after a couple of months and they are ALL wrong. I have not met a single person on exchange who wasn’t slightly disappointed in their rate-of-improvement – so try not to let it get you down. Sometimes you don’t even realise how much you’ve progressed until you get home. You know, until you get home and loose most of it again…

·         No, sweetie, you’re not immune to culture shock. It’s lame but it’s real.

I always thought ‘culture shock’ was something that only lame or wussy douchebags got because they couldn’t handle the spitting. I was wrong, it goes way deeper than that and it affects all people differently. I know happy-go-lucky kids on exchange who seem to be immune to culture shock simply because they don’t think too deeply about what they see around them. If you’re the kind of person who observes and reflects, though, then brace yourself for impact especially if you’re heading to a developing country.
It’s going to hit you in obvious and rather shallow ways during that first week, but it creeps in slowly over the months and you’ll find yourself feeling alone and totally confounded. Usually this ‘deeper’ kind of culture shock comes when you begin to really understand the differences in attitudes and subtle ways-of-life that sit in such stark contrast to your own. I found it help to write it out, but during these times it’s good to keep in more-regular contact with home, or people from your country who are also overseas. I have found that the only cures for culture shock are perspective and acceptance – neither of which are always easy.
The great thing is that working through culture shock teaches you a lot about yourself as well as the world around you. It really is one of those trial-by-fire experiences in life and accepting it and working through it is the best way to get the most out of it.

·         Skype can be set to “appear offline”.

The inverse of the awesomeness of Skype and Facebook, is that sometimes you can really gain a lot by just cutting off from home for a while and actually immersing yourself in your location. I did this a lot whilst on my various trips to other places in China, and it was enough for me. I see a lot of kids who seem to stay too attached to their home lives so that they treat the exchange like a trip instead of a way-of-life. Of course, everybody has their own approach, but it’s good to try and keep yourself grounded in the place where you’re actually living. Make the most of being away from home. Really away.

·         This is the trip of a lifetime – but only if you want it to be.

Exchange is exactly what you make of it. Be awesome and be badass and do the most you can and enjoy everything about it! The fact that you’re planning it at all tells me that you’re a cool kid, and no matter your destination you can make it intensely great. Make yourself proud.

But feel free to not listen to (read: read) any of this and run into it all and make your own mistakes and have the craziest time ever and come out battered and bruised but a totally improved human being. I think that's kind of what I did. But I guess I won't know for sure until I get back. Which is really very soon.